I've been going through old photos cleaning up my storage space . Partly it's an energetic ritual I like to do . Much like cleansing my space with my spiritual tools or physically getting out the broom and mop and doing a deep clean . It has the same feeling afterwards of energetic weight being lifted.
I go though my phone for old messages, clean up unused apps or browse through old photos that are just taking up space. How many pictures of that 1 seashell did I really need ? It must have been special at the moment I guess .
It's also very useful because so many times I see messages that , "in my mind "I had replied to. I feel anyone who knows me by now ,that if I randomly answer your text message 6 months later that isn't unusual :)
I was going through some really old photos albums ( I have a lot to go though!) that I had already done a pass over a while ago . But I still needed to sit down and really go though what needed to stay and what to let go of . It felt very purging and good to say goodbye to old chapters of my life .
I was looking at my children and grandchildren and how fast they had grown . It was a mix of sadness and joy .
Sadness that so much of my life has just been in survival mode that I missed so many opportunities to really enjoy many moments.
I've always tried to make a point of when we were having family day activities to take a breath and sit back and soak in the little joyous moment's. As they pass all too quickly.
I feel this is a sediment of every grandmother and mother . I was a young mother /grandmother so my learning curves where when I was still young myself trying to figure out life. Then being responsible for other lives on top of it, was some days a bit overwhelming to say the least .
Like many single mothers or moms in relationships where their partners are vacant most of the time ( for whatever reason) it is a unique stress.
That weight of being a provider and also the emotional support system is , I feel anyways too much. There is no way one person can do the job of 2 people without dropping some balls . Well I'm sure there are some rare unicorn exceptions out there . I figured nature created us to have to reproduce in pairs, so therefore we would have to raise a family as a unit.
I honestly was having a moment, my heart hurt and felt a bit resentful for the lack of support systems. Not really for myself, but for my children. At the end of the day it's the children who suffer when the family units are broken .
When we have generations of trauma that weigh on our shoulders and everyone is just in survival mode . Your only focus is getting through the work day , chores , mundane life tasks, paying bills , making sure someone doesn't burn the house down or drop their sister off at a pet shelter after a fight. That was life, day after day . It all kind of blurred together. Days turned into weeks and years passed in a blink of an eye .
Your not really living joyfully in the moment as much as I feel we were intended to be.
As I was going through the photos it was a mix of laughter, aww's and I miss those days . Well not the chaos part .
Then I paused and really looked at what I was seeing , not feeling .
I realized that I was viewing from an old emotional perspective. If I was to actually just look , I realized I did a lot with my kids , gave them unconditional love and encouragement . More than I was ever given , so that was a huge win already for breaking the cycles. I needed to actually honour that and be proud of myself right there .
Even when they protested my actions, didn't want family time activities or thought I was being too hard . I've got to see the silver lining as they are maturing . I even got a "thank you mom , I know I was being a jerk . " That's litterally the grand prize as a mother to get. Nothing else out there can top that . It's a thing ...:)
Sometimes we have to not be liked by our children. That is actually a really hard reality as a parent to accept . It feels horrible because you love them so much that it hurts so deeply when you're met with angry resistant energy.
When you just want them to be happy, healthy and make good choices for themselves.
Something I know I didn't always do. I think I enjoyed making terrible choices just to see what would happen when I was younger.
Then that comes back to you doesn't it ? As you watch your children that have the same attitude as you did . You know the pain of the consequences and want to shield them from it .
Yet at the same time there is a voice inside your head that says , let them . They have to fall in order to learn how to get up and find their strength, in their own way.
It's like a tug of war between your mind and your heart. I feel this is where healthy male logical energy really grounds the feminine emotional heart strings. My past partner would say I was too soft and the kids thought I was too hard.
How do you win that one ?! Lol
You don't ... You just do the best you can with the tools in your toolbox at the time .
Forgive yourself, reflect with fresh perspective and less emotional attachment and keep moving forward with your own healing .
There is a saying , when we heal we heal for 7 generations before and 7 generations behind . That energetic shift is powerful and reverberates backwards and forwards into our lineages
I am proud that I have been able to do what my ancestors could not . Even if I don't get to eat from the ripe fruits or see all the ripple effects of the choices I made to do the healing work.
I'm happy to know that my future generations and my ancestors will know greater joy and peace and that I was part of that .
Sending much love and hugs to all who are on their own healing journey 🌟🙏🤍
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